“This is my thing about Kenya….she’s a beautiful chocolate woman and she has a banging body yet STILL single at 43?? There comes a time when it can’t just be the men….something is definitely amiss with her..ijs.”
As I read this comment from a friend while sipping the latest tea about, D-girl turned reality TV star, Kenya Moore, I instantly thought, “Yea, she is crazy, but why does it seem like we always say that something is wrong with the single person?” Many of us have done this same thing; wonder and talk about why someone who is relatively attractive and successful, is not married. Or as one of my girlfriends said, “they assume that I’m married because I’ve got myself together.” Yes, I admit that I used to drink the “marriage is right, so being single is wrong”, kool-aid. However, through my own experiences, I’ve learned that marriage ain’t no joke, it’s serious business mixed with pleasure—and it isn’t for everybody.
According to recent research results, single people in America now make up the majority; while us married folk are the minority. Even with the thriving online dating industry, less and less people are opting to jump the broom. I asked singles their thoughts on today’s dating scene. I asked them to tell me why they believe that they’re single. Is it their choice or have they been forced to remain single due to circumstances beyond their control? Do they think it’s because of their own issues? Or are they meeting the wrong people? This was definitely a hot topic!
Unfortunately, the feedback was not as plentiful from the single men as it was from the single women. The men who did share their experiences, are fed up with the drama (i.e. bad attitude, baggage) and expectations that aren’t reciprocated (i.e. income, stability) from the women that they’re dating. The feedback was candid, honest, and raw. Here are some of the actual responses:
A significant number of people stated that it’s both by choice and force that they’re single. Others were adamant about choosing to be single, but their responses seemed to show that their experiences have forced them to choose to be single. They expressed thoughts ranging from frustration to flat-out disgust with today’s dating scene:
“Dating is the worst now…”
“…there’s too much of a me mentality, instead of a we mentality.”
“I want a woman who’s already assembled, I don’t have the patience to build her up, she needs to already be mature and secure.”
“BY CHOICE…WAAAAY TO [sic] MANY BAT-SHIT CRAZY WOMEN OUT HERE WITH WAAAAAY TOO MUCH BAGGAGE.”
“By choice! Because all of the women I bump into are either nuts, wanna be a player, wanna be a gold digger or still tryin’ to raise grown ass sons and grandbabies. And they 50+ years old. How they think I’m supposed to pay their bills and they got grown ass men layin’ around smokin blunts? Tits all hangin to their navels and those fucking bingo wings. Ugly ass feet lookin like they can swoop down and grab dinner from a lake and shit. Then they want to be chased too?“
Some are cautious, yet, hopeful:
“… I could have gotten married but it wouldn’t have worked. I desire to get married…I think I’m still working on me…valuing me and praying for patience. ”
“I date a lot. No real connections yet, I am always open…I am open to marriage if it’s the right situation. But I need a friend first.“
“Freak by Choice Not married by Choice.”“I am comfortable being single and never married. I get plenty of rest and no stress!“
“Single by choice married 10 year’s…getting new pre-nup’s written up is exhausting.”
“Now I am dating with a purpose….I know what I don’t want...I NEED and will ALWAYS NEED someone that believes in God, gentleman, loving, respectful and trustworthy (though I know this may waiver from time to time) this is my top 5.”
“…I definitely need to work on a few things but also need to make better choices. I do realize now that marriage is not for a lazy or selfish person.“
“…I’ve started to see the pattern of men I attract so I’m working on me to try and resolve my self issues before dating again. I’ve always wanted marriage and that is my ultimate relationship goal.“
“…I took a much needed break from relationships to get myself together. God delivered me from some pretty ugly, detrimental stuff and people. He also let me see my issues for what they were/are, a little at a time, and gently helped guide me into truth, self worth, and strength. I don’t attract the same kinda guys now. The man I’m seeing now is “grown” if youknow what I mean...I had to humble myself first… We’ll be focused on the branches and the leaves while God goes straight to the root…Marriage for me will be having the courage and the tenacity to love someone to the extent of giving unselfish and unconditionally even if I don’t get it back…I think I’m finally mature enough to do it happily.”
“My issue is always attracting married, straight, or bi women.The women I attract enjoy me & what I offer yet the pressures of being black & lesbian is real. They’d rather fuck wit loser dudes cause they don’t have the nerve to admit they enjoy women.”
“I seem to be attracted to the opposite kind of men than what I am…I find myself not happy and disappointed by way of letdowns. Now when a nice conservative man approaches me, for some odd reason; I’m Intimidated, I feel that I am not enough for them, when I know I am successful….In my past relationship of 17 years…I made sure everything was taken care of…when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING…when we get used to something, it’s hard for us to accept change without sabotage.”
“…I have met guys they are immediately intimidated that I am single, employed and takes care of business. They either resent this or challenge it. I’ve met guys that are not willing to treat me like a lady because they feel as though I am successful enough to do everything on my own which is not true…I am very guarded and I cut guys off the moment any of the behaviors above are displayed.
“Yes, no chivalry especially if you are open to dating outside your age bracket as well…younger can be more appreciative and attentive but they don’t have the traditional morals and values I’m used to with the 40+ age bracket.”
“It is all about what is in the right timing for your life based on what you are willing to accept into your life and heart. You make the decision about what you are willing to accept. You don’t control the timing, that is based on God’s assessment…Perhaps you are in a season in your life where it is really just about your own goals and desires, and you are focusing on those purely individualistic…when that time comes, God will present you or will present to you, the perfect mate for you, based on the desires of your heart. There is no time stamp on when one is supposed to marry… it is a totally individualistic experience and I believe that often, the idea that something must be wrong with people who are not married, comes from this unrealistic expectation that we put on others..”
4 thoughts on “Scenes from the Single Life”
The last comment was the most accurate, from my experience. Informative article none the less.
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Thanks Ruthie, I appreciate your comment!
Great post and discussion. I’d be lost in the dating scene nowadays! But like you said, the one we left behind 10+ years ago was no joke either! I just feel bad for people nowadays because morals and social knowledge is severely lacking! People just don’t know how up interact with real human beings, especially at the level you need to have meaningful relationships! But your point is so valid, we can’t expect everyone to be the same age, same maturity level and same readiness for marriage! To each their own, in their own due time!
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